If Game Studios Made Movies

Well, it’s been a weird couple of years for the entertainment industry, hasn’t it? After the video game industry collapsed  in 2018 due to the astronomical development costs and Atari’s failed ET reboot, the few companies that weren’t driven immediately bankrupt decided to turn their attentions to film. Were they a success? Well, lets look back at some of my reviews of these films.

Studio: Bioware

Film: Star Wars: Epilogue Trilogy

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When Disney stopped making films and became a political party/mouse-based cult, someone had to snatch up the Star Wars license. That somebody was Bioware.

I have mixed feelings with the series. Ditching all well known character except for brief cameos seemed like a disastrous move, though fortunately for us it turned out to be genius incarnate. The first film was decent, it had a lot of charm and depth to it but it was weighed down with the need to constantly show us the character reorganising their saddle bags and learning skills. It may have added to the realism a little, but it was still bizarre and turned a lot of people off. The action scenes were kind of bland, with all of them basically being the same action scene in a different setting. Also, for some reason the character’s weapons would overheat repeatedly in battle.
The second film was, much like in the original Star Wars series, the pinnacle. It was a masterstroke of character building and the dialogue was superbly written. It was funnier, darker and a whole lot more was at stake. The fact that half the crew was wiped out in the final battle was a stroke of heart wrenching genius, especially since we spent most of the last two movies getting to know each and every character’s quirks and history. The battles were significantly improved over the originals, as they were riddled with suspense and were generally pretty damn entertaining. They were still all practically the same though. It was mildly disappointing to the teenage male demographic, as the sex scene was quite a lot tamer than last time.

Beware the bedroom eyes.

I will see Jabba’s bedroom eyes in my nightmares.

The third film could have been amazing. It could have been the film to end all films. But it wasn’t, and it’s all because of that god-awful excuse for an ending. Seriously, the ending of this film is so pathetic that it’s banned in Poland. I’m not going to ruin the ending for those of you who haven’t seen it, since Bioware have already done a brilliant job at that, but don’t expect anything good. Hell, don’t expect it to be the worst thing ever made because you’ll still be disappointed.

Studio: Activision

Film: Present Day Hostility

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Reviewing this film seems pointless, because by now you’ve already seen this movie twelve times, named your kids after one of the main characters and pledged never to watch anything else as long as you live. This film has become the highest grossing movie of all time within the first two weeks, taking over “tits” as the most Googled term.

Honestly, I understand why young men watch this, as the film is full of Michael Bay-esque explosions, but I’m hard pressed to find a reason why its got all the critics gushing at the thighs. The most talked about scene is where the main character is dying midway through the film, alone and afraid. The whole scene reeks of shock tactics and is forgotten within minutes, apart from a bit at the end when the characters suddenly remember their best friend had died and throw in an ingenuine patriotic line or two in memory.

He died asking for apple pie and overpriced medical care.

He died asking for apple pie and overpriced medical care.

The biggest flaw in this film is that it is paced terribly. There is almost no room to breathe, with an action scene every two seconds, each containing at least twelve explosions and each with a silent slow motion scene of an American soldier being gunned down. It constantly seems to be switching locations and character perspective, seemingly in an attempt to create the illusion that there is more plot than there actually is. Honestly, I have no idea what the fucking plot to this film is as it seems like they came up with a bunch of awesome action pieces and paid a liberal arts student a six-pack to string it together. Overall, this film is like having sex with Snookie: Sure it might be fun while it lasts but you can’t help feeling that you’re now at least thirty percent dumber.

Studio: Blizzard

Film: Diabolical Warcraft

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Blizzard have pissed a lot of people off recently, as they have announced that their latest film Diabolical Warcraft will only ever be shown in theatres. It will never ever be released to DVD so no one is allowed to watch it by themselves. They figure that their film should be viewed only in the company of other people, and that introverts can just go hang themselves or whatever it is they do. What kind of wankery is this? Not every town has a cinema you know Blizzard. Their next project is a TV show that comes on once a month that you have to pay $30 a month to watch, and it’s basically just a guy killing the same monsters over and over again, collecting shit for other people and taking up a postal job. The show’s Facebook page currently has over 30 million likes.

Anyway, back to the film. Diabolical Warcraft is an Action Fantasy game that’s quite repetitive, extremely shallow and really rather dull. It’s got the visual polish of a big blockbuster film, but with terrible acting and the same scene of the character mowing his way through wave after wave of enemy. It was so mundane that half way through the film a man’s phone rang and the audience encouraged him to answer it.

I’ve never been so glad to hear that my daughter’s been kidnapped.

So is the current wave of gaming developers films a successful one? For the most part, I’d say no. What works in one medium doesn’t necessarily work in another, and though there are a few exceptions (Square Enix’s latest anime looks really good, and fans of the series have been promised the same amount of interactivity as their gaming franchises… none), for the most part it seems futile and pointless. Also, I know Bethesda have released their latest fantasy epic, but I don’t have 12 hours to devote to one film, so read someone else’s bloody review of it.


1 comment

  1. nipsen January 20, 2013 5:58 am  Reply

    Aw. Poor soldier. He will be avenged. A bit. In the next Warfaceduty film.

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