A Review of SimCity by Someone Who Has Never Played SimCity

Sim City Destroyed

SimCity has been getting a lot of buzz lately. So much that I decided to review it. Why? So I can get some sweet, sweet, SEO visits. Either that or I had nothing else to write about this week. Doesn’t really matter. Now, as my two and a half long time readers know, I despise EA and promised not to buy any of their games. You’ll also know that I’m not entirely fond of wanton pirating. So what’s my solution? I review the game without playing it. I know, it sounds crazy. But so did that homeless man and if I didn’t listen to him I wouldn’t have this cool crashed satellite. Anyway, this isn’t the first time I did this. In the fifth grade I wrote a book report on The Giver without ever picking up the book and got a B (ironically, it was the exact kind of book I would devour, but I digress). Let’s get started.

Disclaimer: In case you haven’t figured it out, this is just a joke article for fun, and should not be taken seriously. It’s a bit of an experiment, so this article may or may not be crap.

For those of you who don’t know, SimCity is the latest installment in EA’s Sims franchise, which belongs to the simulation/playing god genre. Usually in the Sims, players get points for doing things such as barbecuing infants and making everyone in the game collapse in their own filth at least once. This game differs in that you ruin people’s lives on a much larger scale and have all of those municipal powers that you pretended to learn in your sixth grade civics class.  This is also the first SimCity game to include achievements. These include “You Promised Me Dog or Higher” and “Kilpatrick’ing It”. To get the former you need to save money by getting the elementary school’s milk supplied by the Mafia. The latter you get by cheating on your wife and racking up dozens of white collar crimes against the city.

Robocop Spirit of Detroit

[Rob L’Heureux]
You’re damn lucky RoboCop wasn’t around. 

Another thing unique about this game is huge problem, unfortunately. You see, SimCity needs to be connected to EA’s servers in order for you to play even the single player part of the game. I was sure that since this was 2013 and not 1985 (I had a crazy weekend with WoW and the DeLorean, okay?) it wouldn’t be a problem for me to play this. I was wrong. Apparently there are a lot of jerks who decided that they wanted to play too. It’s like they don’t even consider that the millions of them together enjoying the game they bought were intruding on my experience. It was very inconsiderate. EA said that they would fix the problem, and things have quieted down. But I hear a lot of people are still getting error messages which turn out to be passages from the Necronomicon when translated into English.

So what do I rate SimCity? I’m not really sure. What number do you get when you divide a firebombed building by pi? Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t buy this game. It seems great, but dealing with (and supporting) EA just isn’t worth it. I suggest you don’t buy it either. Every sale is like a thumbs up to all the BS that Electronic Arts pulls on a daily basis. Now if you excuse me, my city’s sewer gators aren’t going to kill themselves.

The Late Night Gamer has a Tumblr! Follow it and I will erect a RoboCop statue in your honor!


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