Last summer, the horror game Slender: The Eight Pages was a huge hit on the internet. Apparently people get a kick out pinpointing the exact moment when a person doing a Let’s Play urinates his or herself. I’m more into watching tapes of eight year old boys getting their hearts broken but you know, diff’rent strokes. Last week a full version of this game was released, complete with an actual plot. Since I just love screwing with my future self, I decided to not only buy the game, but ensure that I played it by promising to write two reviews on it. Oh joy.
The game starts out with me walking to my friend Kate’s house after a car crash caused by writing Supernatural fan fiction while driving. Kate has gone missing and I’m going to investigate. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to go looking for a friend, but what worries me is that Kate is the only one who doesn’t have Netflix. I could be wrong, so I brought a couple of two-liters and a box of pizza rolls just in case. I walk toward her house and I get the feeling that something is terribly wrong here. It was as if there were something very unnatural and sinister going on here. It’s the grass. That’s right the grass. Kate has the driest grass in the world. Every step I take sounds like a someone taking a big bite of Frosted Flakes.
I finally make it to Kate’s house and just like old times her door is open and her door is open, because hey, leaving it closed would be unfair to the wolves. Her house is as torn up as usual except with a distinct lack of empty beer cans. She also seems to have writing and drawings covering her walls at impossible heights. Her kids were always such rascals. Once I made my way into her room I hear a horrible scream as if on cue. And since I have apparently never seen a horror movie in my life I go right into the dark night without so much as calling the police.
At this point I immediately regret my decision as I am lost and have no idea where the scream came from. There’s still about twelve hours of total darkness in the night and I have a feeling I’m being stalked by the murderer/monster/travelling salesman who must have taken Kate. To keep myself sane I decided to start collecting the cool pictures I’m finding everywhere. It seems that with every page I take, the more ominous sounds are following me. I wonder why that i–HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT?!
After a couple of hours of chasing and more girlish screaming than I’d like to admit, Slender Man tripped on a fallen log and like a hero I kicked him while he was down until long after I twisted my ankle. Then I took off his mask and Slenderman turned out to be Kate trying to scare away the bank so they couldn’t repossess her house. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.
Now everyone can go the fuck home.